Trendy Towne, Southern California
Sheriff’s department spokesman Steve Hannah said Tweenerlegs’ mangled, feeble writer’s-body was found torn in two – the top half inside a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Studio City, the bottom half draped over a table outside a Starbucks in West Hollywood – two places Tweenerlegs frequented. “You don’t often see suicidal writer’s body parts spread so far apart,” observed Hannah [no relation to Onion CEO Steve Hannah]. “The suicide note helped us put the pieces together,” Hannah added, without even a hint of a knowing smile.
Though the big ape’s whereabouts are still unknown, his personal cell phone was left behind (per crime scene etiquette) and has already provided valuable leads, as well as numerous rare photos of never-before-seen gorilla habitats, silverback mating rituals, and primate Jägerbomb parties.
Hannah stressed that the monstrous herbivore is “not a suspect,” but merely an “Anthropoid of interest,” in the Tweenerlegs suicide – commonplace among humor writers who can never get published by The Onion. He added that “citizens should be on the lookout for a King-Kong-looking thing – only not as big or famous. And he might be carrying a Toshiba laptop.”
Tweenerlegs joins a growing segment of humor writers who can’t get published by the used-to-be-really-funny-but-now-is-only-once-in-awhile-funny-Onion, but who still face the withering ridicule of being told day after day after day that their writing sounds… “just like an Onion article!”
Hannah notes “It’s widely known in the artsy-fartsy artist circles that The Onion does not accept unsolicited freelance contributions. Many humor writers whose writing sounds just like The Onion cannot actually be published in The Onion, so unfortunately, many of them take their own lives by gorillas and such.”
In the repetitive, mostly-unfunny 550-700 word-count suicide note that sounds eerily similar to an Onion article, Tweenerlegs recounts the misery of being a frustrated, unemployed humor writer who apparently could never compose a single shred of crappy writing without it being compared The Onion.
“Since when did all works of satire, parody, farce, mockery, lampooning, spoofs, send-ups, take-offs and humorous jibes become the sole intellectual property of The Onion?!” says the suicide note, reclining casually next to a dog-eared Roget’s Thesaurus. “Who died and made The Onion ‘King of All Humor?!’” the note continues, in a really annoying, whiny tone.
“And so what if my articles all start with a tremendous title and premise only then to deteriorate into a juvenile repetition of that same premise, played out over and over again like – uh, like two humor mirrors reflecting against one another,” says the suicide note, defensively. “I have a bunch of other ideas, y’know – good ideas, like uh my Dad? You won’t believe the shit he says – I could write a whole buncha articles y’know and call it ‘Shit My Dad Says,’ and– oh what the hell, the gorilla’s here– I’m just going to get this over with…”
Humor archivist Will Tracy [no relation to Onion editor Will Tracy]from the Satire History Institute Team (oh god, do we have to spell it out for you?!) points out that noted historical satirists H.L. Mencken, Ambrose Bierce, P.G. Wodehouse, Mark Twain, and Some Writer From Family Guy faced similar obstacles in their respective eras.
“Yes, blah blah blah, what you said in the above paragraph,” said Tracy, reaffirming in quote-form what the above paragraph already stated.
Oscar Wilde, reached beyond the grave by his publicist/medium, agrees: “Verily, in my day it was the same – only the publication was called The Puckered Potato. Truth is, I couldn’t manage to deposit any of my whimsy there, despite everyone telling me that my articles of hilarity ‘sounded just like a Puckered Potato piece.'”
Associated Press managing editor Will Tracy [no relation]concurs with everyone quoted in prior paragraphs: “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of being told – daily – that our actual AP news stories ‘sound like Onion articles.’ We’re reality, man! We’re real news!”
Tracy adds “Ok, so now it’s like The Onion gets all the credit for anything funny that happens EVER — like when Osama Bin Laden tongue-kissed Lady Gaga at the People’s Choice Awards?! Now, in addition to all the other shit I have to worry about my field reporters offing themselves with gorillas?!” “WTF?!”, Tracy said later, in an Associated Press tweet.
When contacted at their massive luxurious high-rise offices, spokesmen for The Onion responded “we do not accept unsolicited freelance questions from members of the media.”
Meanwhile, police are hoping that gorilla DNA found on the cell phone will not only tie the 512-pound eastern lowland beast to the suicide, but also explain how Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence possibly could have evolved from apes.