The Musician’s Horoscope

The Musician’s Horoscope

Rock Cellar Magazine is proud to introduce a new category called The Bottom Line – featuring anecdotes and musings from Bill Cinque, seasoned music industry vet and author of The Amazing Adventures of a Marginally Successful Musician, available now in our Online Store… 

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AQUARIUS

This week, Aquarians will reach their creative peak. Money will be in abundance. Love is just around the corner. Sadly, you are an Aries. You’re reading the wrong zodiac sign. God, you are such an A-hole!!

PISCES

Jupiter is in retrograde. Pluto got demoted. Mars is pulling you towards enlightenment while your wife of 11 years is pushing you out the door. Breathe deep and listen to the music of the planets. That probably won’t help at all. Scratch that. Put some bourbon on your corn flakes and take a nap.

ARIES

Your sign is that of the Ram, named after the 9th Wonder of the Ancient World, the Dodge pickup truck. Since the Hellenistic Era, the Ram was able to carry nomads across the desert as they laughed at those morons holding on for dear life trying to ride those ridiculous camels. These street-savvy Nomads could ride in luxury and comfort. Throw a cooler in that extended cab with plenty of cargo space, kick back and enjoy a few brewskis while observing the Southern sky through the moon roof, which is standard.

Dude! These buds knew how to party, zodiac style. Venus is pushing you to buy a Dodge extended cab between the 3rd and the 17th, during the Dodge Ram-A-Thon when everything must go at low, low prices!! See your dealer today.

TAURUS

A water sign got your Earth sign all muddy. It’s really hard to read. I think it says something like, GET A JOB.

zodiac-calendar

GEMINI

The twins of Gemini will be in full effect from June 3 thru June 12, when you will realize your duality. On one hand, you will have to confront the side of you which is physically out of shape and financially ruined. On the other, you must come to terms with the goober in you that doesn’t know his girlfriend is banging his step Dad.

On June 13, things get bad. Best of luck with that gig on the 14th!

CANCER

You are born under Cancer. That never sounds good. You have the sign of the crab. Is that any better? Don’t be a shmuck. Tell people you were born in October.

LEO

Mercury is rising almost as fast as your blood pressure. You’re holding too much in. You need a release. Tell your night shift manager at Topiary World that you’re trading in your chain saw for a Les Paul. In your hands, they will sound about the same. Buying a guitar at the age of 37 is a wise business move on your part, as guitarists are very hard to find in Los Angeles.

You will feel totally liberated for 2 weeks, until you realize no one is going to hire you. You will come crawling back to the night shift manager who will do you a favor by rehiring you. Then, he will do the world a favor and take the chain saw to that Les Paul to make sure you can never play it again. All in all, I’d say it will be a pretty good month for you. The stars have been kind.

VIRGO

Monday thru Wednesday will be positive energy for you. Thursday will be meditative and enlightening. Friday will be joyous. Saturday will be a gift from the Universe. Sunday, you die.

LIBRA

It’s October. It’s raining. Your favorite baseball team is in last place. Spend the first 10 days eating cookie dough, the next 10 days watching soap operas and the 10 days after that being a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

On Halloween, dress up as the person you thought you’d be by this age.

SCORPIO

Mars is on your side for most of the week. You will enjoy great success in the stock market. The weekend just might surprise you as love may come in “threes.” Then, Mars will come to collect, dispatching Martian troopers to abduct you in the middle of the night and probe you in places you didn’t know you had. Small price to pay for that slammin’ weekend. That’s a great deal, my man!

SAGITTARIUS

The moon is in the 7th house. Your career is in the shit house. Call it a day.

CAPRICORN

The early part of the week should see some righteous solos. As you shred your way thru Jam Night, you’ll meet a babe who will think your Members Only jacket is totally awesome. Oops, my bad. This is from 1984.

Wow, I was just about do the Jane Fonda work out with Molly Ringwald.

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